One piece of paper

I'm going to be honest....I've struggled this week.  In the roller coaster of the adoption process this week has definitely been one those LONG stretches where nothing is happening....and you can't even see the end, or the beginning, or the fun....You just keep waiting for something to happen.

Blah...yes, I'm being whiney!  Give this girl a break, our son's birthday, 10th birthday, recently past.  And I couldn't be there....AGAIN.  I've missed a grand total of 10 birthdays*whine*cry*pout!  I love him with a love that knows no borders...and yet I feel like I cannot show him my love.  Have you ever read the great book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman?  If you haven't I highly recommended it.  I gleamed so much insight not only into loving my husband, but my children as well.  While reading I also learned that my love language is "service".  I give and receive love best in "acts of service".  Well here comes my frustration....right now I can do NOTHING for my son..no act of service....nothing to speed up the process to get him home.  Nothing for him to show him how much I love him, how much I want to know him more.  I can do nothing to get to know him better, nothing to teach him.  I can do nothing to show him how much my heart aches every day we are apart.
                                              NOTHING....

You see we are in the "awaiting Immigration approval" phase of the adoption process.  We sent our completed home study and application to the US Immigration Department.  They review our "file" and then issue us an appointment to obtain yet another set of fingerprints.  Once our fingerprints are approved, the give us an approval notice.  That approval notice is the last piece of paper for our dossier, or packet of paperwork, that is sent to Ch*na.  Then we wait on them for the next step.  But right now....it's the ONE piece of paper that is standing in our way of moving on to the next step. Every day....I anxiously await the mail....hoping to see that little sheet of white "gold" (just the paper with our fingerprint appointment).  So far....NOTHING!

After crying yet again today, I prayed.  And this time, instead of begging and asking...(why Lord?, this is what I want Lord? can't you see, I'm waiting Lord, my son is waiting, and he has waited so long already?  why? when? NOW!!)

THIS time I surrendered....I let go.  Yes, I've done this with so many situations....I've advised others to just "Let Go and Let God"....but sometimes I forget.  I get caught up in my own pain, my own PLAN, sometimes I don't want to let go.  But today, I let go and listened.

And this is what what I felt....

        Faces of very dear friends came to my mind, my heart.  These friends are carrying such heavy burdens right now.  They are waiting on God right now too....

             Yet their wait is for a reason so much greater that one piece of paper....

  They are waiting for Him to protect their job,

                        save their marriage,

                                    cure their cancer,

                                              heal their sick child.

There are children still fatherless, waiting, and asking God for a family.  
 

I listened to what the Lord had reminded me of, and that small piece of paper....didn't seem so far away, or so vastly out of my reach.  God's plan is perfect and beautiful.  The cross we must bare now is only a glimmer of the joy we will see one day.

 I will wait upon the LORD....
       and try to remember to let go and let God....over and over and over again...even if the mailbox is still empty tomorrow.

After all, he will be our son on this Earth...but he is HIS son forever!

Labor pains

This Thursday my sweet Anna Therese will be 10 years old.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  She was my third biological child, but would be the first I would labor and deliver "naturally", with no epidural.  Don't leave my blog please..... I have a point here.... hang with me...

There are many reasons I chose to go natural with her labor...and many reasons I am so grateful for the way her BIRTHday unfolded.   With my dear friend, Lindsay there at my side as my nurse and friend, and (of course) my wonderful husband dutiful holding my hand and rubbing my back (only when asked...hehehehe...I think he is still scarred)....Anna came into this world on May 21, 2005.  As a labor and delivery nurse I have recalled the feeling of labor several times, trying to explain to a patient how it may feel.  I have explained different ways of how to prepare for that moment....the moment when your body hurts more than it has ever hurt before.  When the pain comes on so fierce that you feel like you will be ripped open wide, but then it subsides ever so briefly.  The brief calm is only shortened with the thought that the next wave of pain is only moments away.  Labor pains hurt.  There is no sugar coating it. (Don't worry...I explain it more thoroughly...and nicely... for my patients!) Yet there is NO way to explain the moment of relief, joy, elation you feel the very moment your child leaves your body and enters this world, taking their very first breath. It is a joy like no other!! Having labored in pain for hours, praying with each breath, crying for mercy with every contraction....and holding onto to my husband and friend as they prayed and cried with me...I felt the depth of sacrifice it meant to be a mother.  Pure joy!!

Every labor pain reminds a mother of the sacrifice they make for their children throughout their lives.  In my 13 years of being a Labor and Delivery nurse, I am still in awe of the beauty and miracle of childbirth.  I am privileged every day I get to go to work and help a mom labor and deliver her child.  And my heart has been broken for those mothers I have cared for through the years that labor and deliver a child who will never take their first breath.  Those are the birthdays that are the hardest to witness.  Those mothers are heroes that never get enough honor.

Back to the point of my story....

Whenever it nears one of my children's birthdays I think back to their pregnancy and the days leading up to their delivery.  Anna's pregnancy was wonderful.  I worked up until the day she was born. In fact I was supposed to be on duty that day, and not a patient...oops!  As I said her delivery was beautiful.  I was able to give her her very first bath. She feel asleep warmly in her Daddy's arms just hours after she was born.  It was a beautiful blessed day for our family!

Anna just days old

Our precious son waiting in China will also celebrate a birthday very soon.  He and Anna are only weeks apart!  As he turns 10 he will celebrate his last birthday in China with the only family he has ever known.  I am so grateful he will be surrounded by his loved ones on his big "double-digit" day!!

Our son with his amazing foster family!!

 But my heart is saddened that we will miss yet another birthday with him.  From this year on....as I remember Anna's pregnancy and birth.....I will remember his birth mother and the sacrifice of her love.  Did she have support with her on the day he was born?  How did she and his father make the decision to let him go?  Unfortunately we will never have those answers to give our son.  But we will tell him that we are forever grateful to them that they choose to give him LIFE! They will always be in my heart and prayers.

Even though I didn't have to bare the pains of labor for Ellie or our son, I am enduring the pain of waiting.  Just as there are waves of pain, and waves of relief....there are so many ups and downs of emotions during the adoption process.  Yet I have so many dear friends at my side holding our hands., and (of course) my dear husband dutifully supporting me (rubbing my back...ha.....seriously, he's amazing!)

I know one day in the near future we will at last be together.   Just think next year I'll have twins (well a couple of weeks apart).....ahhhhh.....Anna thinks that is so exciting!!

“I would have given anything
to be the one to know
the pain of bringing you into this world
but it couldn’t be.
Though I did not bring you here
still I labored in my tears
through the long nights I prayed
you would come to me.
You are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart
with all my strength I prayed
till they laid you in my arms Child,
you are the labor of my heart
Blessed be the maker
of bone of other bone.
He made flesh of my desire
and today I take you home…
You are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart
with all my strength I prayed
till they laid you in my arms Child,
you are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart.”
Author Unknown

A shower of roses

God has a beautiful way of unfolding a story.  Throughout my life there has been a faithful friend of mine that has prayed for me, watched over, and guided me along my path.  This friend lived a very short time in our world, but spends her eternity blessing and loving others.  

St. Therese was born in France one hundred years before I was born...and sadly died at just 24 years old.  She lived her short life for Jesus.  Being ill, she was unable to perform "great"works for God's people.  Instead she chose do every little task for her Jesus.  She loved Jesus with everything in her being.  She wrote...

         " I desire no sensible consolation in loving; provided Jesus feel my love that is enough for me. Oh! to love Him and to make Him loved...how sweet it is..."


I learned about St. Therese in 8th grade before I received the Sacrament of Confirmation.  During preparation we as Catholics are encouraged to learn more about one saint. We use that Saint's name during our sacrament, and ask them to pray for us throughout our life.  They become like our role models.  To be honest, I'm not sure what drew me to St. Therese to begin with...except roses!  She is called the "Little flower"...and roses are her symbol. In fact, with her novena we ask her to pray for us, and "pick us a rose from the Heavenly garden, and send it us with a message of love from our Father."  The more I learned about her, the more I became inttrigued and desired to be more like her. 

  Throughout my life...I have asked St. Therese to pray for me.  Just as my dear friends here on this beautiful world do...she has been there for me, to pray for me whenever I ask her.  And just as my prayer warriors may send me a message to let me know they are praying for me....my dear St. Therese has sent me several messages, reminding me she is never far, and always interceding on my behalf.  One of the very first times I can remember her really walking with me was when I asked for her prayers when I was choosing colleges.  The moment I saw the campus of the University of Southern Mississippi, I knew that is where God was call me to attend.  Even though I did not know anyone else attending, and it was out of state...I knew I was supposed to be there.  Because in the very front of the USM campus is a beautiful garden of long stem roses!! And of course an important part of our story is that Steve and I met at USM.  Thanks dear St. Therese, for the roses!! 

With the military we move often and have lived in several houses.  Starting with our very first house, 15 years ago, we have had a rose somewhere around our houses.  Our first house had only one flowering plant when we first moved in...one white rose bush.  Every house since then has had a rose somewhere near it!  Even the house in Maryland that we rented.  Since we were only going to live there a year, we rented a townhouse.  While still in Mississippi, we found the house with a rental company, and sealed the deal before moving there.  I was very anxious about getting to the house when we moved there.  As we were putting the key into the door, and I was still praying that it would be okay, and we wouldn't walk into a distaster...then I looked over, and saw a beautiful rose bush, right by the door.  I knew my St. Therese was praying and walking right there next to me!!  The house we are currently in is the only house that didn't have a rose near it before we moved in.  However, shortly after we moved in, my in-laws surprised me with this....

One of the most precious gifts St. Therese has given me is the intercession with our children.  When Clare was 3 and Jon was about a year and half, we started praying about a third child.  We were still young, and had some big life changes.  Of course we trusted our Lord, but wasn't sure what was the best time.  I went to my St. Therese.  I asked her to pray for us, to pray for our children (the ones we have already been blessed with and the ones that will come in the future).  I asked her to help us accept God's will and His timing.  On October 1, 2004 (the feast of St. Therese) we attended daily Mass.  Walking out of the church I saw a beautiful red rose laying across the sidewalk.  It looked as if it had just fallen out of a vase.  It was absolutely stunning and perfect!!!  At that moment, I knew, staring down at the rose, that I was pregnant. I could feel St. Therese praying for us and our children.  9 months later....we were blessed with our very special Anna THERESE. 

This was on Anna's 7th birthday.  If you look closely you can see a small rose bud.  On her birthday was the very first time this rose bloomed!!  We said it was her birthday gift from her namesake, St. Therese! 

Remember I said I asked her to pray for all of our children...little did we know that just a couple of weeks after Anna was born, in a country far from our own, another blessing was just starting his journey in this life.  And he would also be guided by this very special saint.  

You see, our son still waiting in Ch*na....is being cared for so dearly by a wonderful group foster home.  They have cared for him since we was an infant.  They have loved him and watched him grow his entire life.  They have not only helped him receive medical care, but a wonderful education as well.  These wonderful group of people call their foster home LITTLE FLOWER!!!  Yes....you read that correctly, Little Flower, as in St. Therese, the little flower.  Each of the staff, foster parents, and volunteers, live every day the example St. Therese has taught us...to love Jesus with every bit of your being....even in the every day little things.  

Once again, my St. Therese has showered us with roses!!!  Of course, I asked her intercession while we were praying about our decision to adopt again.  We could not have had a clearer example of how God is working....how HE LISTENS and answers our prayers.  Our precious son, has been LOVED so very much, every day of his life.  To make it even sweeter....the foster home practices our amazing Catholic faith!!!!  He is Catholic!!  He and his foster family attend the same Eucharistic celebration we do every week...the same Scripture readings we hear here in America, he hears in Ch*na!!  This gift makes us feel so connected to our son.  

I hope one day I will be able to spend my eternity showering others with prayers from Heaven.  I am so grateful for my dear friend, St. Therese, who is such an important part of our story.  

Dear Therese, please continue to pray for our son and for our family while we continue along this adoption process. Please be with him during times of struggles, fear, and uncertainty.  Pray for his foster parents and all of those wonderful people that care for him every day.  Thank you for your example, and teach us to love our Lord Jesus as deeply as you do.  Amen

Doing something

During the adoption process it feels so good to be able to "do" something, anything (paperwork, home study visits, collecting photographs and documents, fingerprints, and on, and on).  When you start the adoption process it feels like you step up to a giant mountain, one you have to scale, knowing all of the uncertainties, but so excited about getting to that summit.  As you chip away at each little step, the mountain doesn't really feel all that big.  Then it happens,  one day, when your climbing, and scaling, and sending in yet another document. You are done, you can't move any further...until you get the "all clear".  Then you have to wait.  Wait for the okay to keep climbing.  That part I am NOT looking forward to....

BUT...right now, I can DO something! So far, we have had physical exams, and blood work, sent in finical documents, and passport photos.  We have written autobiographies.  Mine was 9 pages long....go figure! Ha.  Our poor, poor social worker.  We have had criminal background checks, fingerprints, FBI clearances, child abuse clearances.....lots of clearances.  And we have even started our parent training....Doing plenty.

Tomorrow will be our first home study.  *happy dancing*  And yes, I am currently writing this at midnight.  This week I have cleaned the house upside and down.  Because of course, we can't let the social worker really see how seven people, two dogs, one cat, and a bunch of other little creatures...really live, now can we. Ha!

 As I was sitting on the kitchen floor polishing the cabinets (yes, I was actually doing that)... because you never know if clean cabinets might not pass "inspection" by our social worker.  Anyway I'm sitting there scrubbing...and it felt so good.  Now normally cleaning is not my favorite past time.  It's a necessity, not a joy.  But today was different.  It felt like scrubbing tubs was helping my boy come home.  Yes, dusting, mopping, vacuuming, polishing, and picking up every little toy....felt like it just moved us closer to him.  Crazy, maybe.....but tonight, I can go to sleep and know my lemon/bleach/clorox scented hands helped my boy.

When that awful waiting time begins....I will need prayers and reminders, that's it all part of His plan!!  But for now....I sure am enjoying the DOING!

Introducing.....

Today we received a wonderful call.  Today we learned that Ch*na has officially approved us to bring our son home!!!  We still have a long road ahead....but this is a huge step!  He is the reason we are starting this entire adoption process again.  And now, we can really start.  I feel as if several weeks ago we decided to jump on board the adoption roller coaster.  We climbed aboard, and strapped on our seat belts....then we had to sit in the starting gate....just waiting for the bell.  Just waiting...and wanting to get moving.  Well today we got the bell, and enthusiastically, joyfully, and (a little fearfully) we have taken off.  Ahead of us we see a huge incline.... one filled with home study visits, paperwork, certifications, paperwork, training, and did I mention...paperwork !  But, boy are we ready!!!!  Hang on sweet boy....Mommy and Daddy are finally on our way to come get you!!

Introducing our son "Mushu" Gautreaux......

Now don't worry, that is NOT his real name.  For his safety we will not be sharing his Chinese name.  We are still prayerfully discerning his American name.  Of course we are open to suggestions!!  Until we decide on a name, we will refer to him as Mushu, our little dragon. 

We walk by faith, not by sight (a VERY exciting announcement)

This particular scripture passage has so much meaning for us right now.  For those of you from our youth retreat group, you know why this is such a special theme for our lives right now!

For those of you that are just reading for the first time, or for friends that have returned again...bare with me a moment while I explain the importance of this phrase....

 Ever since we brought Ellie home, over two years ago, it has been part of my prayer time to get on the computer and scroll through the many, many pictures of waiting children.  I pray for each precious boy and girl...sometimes stopping longer at one face searching their eyes for a glimmer of hope or joy.  So many times my heart is saddened with the overwhelming number of children still left orphaned...waiting for their families.   Normally I walk away from the photos, knowing God has a plan and a purpose for each child.  I thank God for the children he has entrusted in our care, and continue on my day.  Well about two months ago, I came to a pair of eyes that looked right into my soul, a sweet smile that captured my heart, and caused me to return to his photo again and again.  I fell in love with this boy.  I continued to pray and think about him.

   THIS boy....that has waited so long.

 This boy, who is a beautiful gift to the world.

This boy, who is loved dearly by our Heavenly Father; 

THIS boy who I hoped was my son. 

I could NOT get him off of my mind....but surely, the Lord surely....could you not really be calling  us??  right??

I knew the answer I was going to get from my husband before I even mentioned it to him....but I had to, I HAD to share his picture, had to ask,  just maybe (wishing, crossing fingers, trying NOT to get my hopes up)...

And of course his initial response was not as I had hoped *blush*.  Let me stop right there... I am married to one amazing man.  A man who loves Jesus, who walks the path of his LORD, a man who is courageous, and not afraid of the "what ifs" in life, a man who loves me and his children deeply and would do anything for his family.  Yet....I wanted him to make the right decision for our family, for this precious boy, for our other children, for our marriage, for God.  When it came to my decision, my mind was already made up, it was one big MAMA heart's "YES!"....but I trust in my husband's guidance, and gave him, uh, tried to give him time!  I'll be honest...I was not hopeful for a long time.  I started to come to the notion that we were just supposed to be his "prayer family".  I committed that no matter what we decided I would forever be one of his prayer mamas.

"We walk by FAITH, not by sight"..... one day as we were talking and trying to come to a decision, and of course I was in tears.... Steve said, "I feel like I'm on top of a bridge, and I'm frightened" (and for those of you that don't know, my husband has a serious fear of heights....serious)

Photo we took at the Hoover Dam (May 2012)

He asked "should we jump"?

"We walk  by faith, NOT by sight".....  We JUMPED!!!  Yes......we did!!

 We are so excited to announce that we are beginning the adoption process again, for our son!! Ever since we made the decision to pursue his adoption, God has lavished upon us His peace.  We know we are following His plan and His purpose of our lives and our son's life.   Looking at our family through the "world's view"...some may ask...don't you have enough kids?  aren't you always busy?  how can you take care of all of those children?   Yet I invite you to look at our life through the Lord's view....He has PROVIDED.  He has blessed us abundantly!!  This year alone, we have received those "things" (house, van, a.k.a. the mom BUS, medical specialist) that are already prepared for our son, who has the same medical need as Ellie.  We have learned so much about Spina Bifida since bringing Ellie home.   We are fully prepared to care for him, just as we care for our sweet girl.  God has provided over and over again.  Without us even knowing it, He has already been preparing our family for this boy.  How could we say "NO"???? How can we say we are too busy...when our precious boy, and so many have never had the opportunity to be "busy" with life activities.  How can we say we have enough children?  God calls us to love sacrificially...to lay down our life for each other.    Mother Therese says....

"We walk by faith, not by SIGHT".... the road to adoption is not an easy one, and we cannot see how the steps ahead will unfold.  Yet we are super excited to watch how the Lord will write this part of our family's story.  We cannot wait to have our son home.   Right now we are just in the beginning stages.  Unfortunately we  are unable to share his photo until we have received official pre-approval from Ch*na.  But have NO fear....as soon as I can.....you will see quickly why our hearts where drawn to this amazing boy!

Thank you for reading.
Please pray for us and follow along our journey to our boy...as we walk by faith, not by sight!

Christmas Wishes

I heard this song during the Christmas we were waiting to bring Ellie home.  It made my heart hurt for my baby girl waiting on the other side of the world for us.  Today my heart is heavy for all of the orphans still alone in their cribs at night.  My prayer is that God will move more families to adopt, and to help them find their children all over the world.  

I hope you enjoy this story of how our very special Christmas wish was answered more perfectly than we could have ever hoped or imagined!!  

Merry Christmas